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Friday, December 9, 2011

Metallica and Lou Reed: Lulu

I consider myself a fairly big Metallica fan, so when this album got released under my nose, I was shocked. Really, Death Magnetic was hyped before its release, with songs being revealed, leaked, and faked with frequency over YouTube. It was a full two months after its release that I even knew of this album's existence, although I wish I had stayed in the dark. Why do I wish this? Because, simply, this may very well be the worst album ever released. Seriously, Limp Bizkit can barely compete with this!
For starters, whoever decided that Lou Reed and Metallica just had to do a collaboration needs to be dragged out behind a barn and shot. The idea is so ridiculous, that it makes Snoop Dogg's collaboration with Buzz Aldrin seem normal. Okay, maybe not, but still, it's strange. What do Lou Reed and Metallica have in common? Nothing at all, that's what!
As for the songs on this album- they are of the worst kind. Long, overdrawn, poorly produced, pretentious and sloppy. The instrumentals are uninspired, although not downright terrible, the vocals are boring and unfitting at all to the music, and the lyrics are just plain STUPID! As a testament to the album's poor production value, Lou's vocals sound like they were recorded before the song was even played, separately. It sounds like Lou is just kind of doing his thing, barely maintaining a connection with the melody, sometimes just going off completely. Lou's voice also sounds terrible, and you really have to wonder WHO exactly thought it was a good idea for him to sing on a metal track. Half of the time it sounds like he's just talking into the microphone. It's horrible.
However boring the instrumentals may be, however horrible Lou Reed's voice is, all pale in comparison to the lyrics on this album. My God. When I first listened to one of these songs on Youtube, I thought it was a joke, honestly. With insightful lyrics such as 'I'll swallow your sharpest cutter, like a colored man's dick.' , 'if I waggle my ass like a dark prostitute, would you think less of me?' and James Hetfield yelling about how he is a table (I have no idea, I really don't), this album didn't have a prayer from the get go. Even if the instrumentals were of Master of Puppets quality, and we had 80s Hetfield singing, this album would still be a giant waste of time. These lyrics attempt to hoodwink you into thinking that Lou Reed actually has something to talk about, throwing in obscure metaphors and ridiculous bars. The lyrics on this are so damn pretentious, but have little actually meaning. Wait, I said little? Scratch that, no meaning. I swear, the word 'dick' is used more on this album than on most rap albums. The lyrics are good for a laugh if you're in a bad mood, but the really bad thing is that Lou Reed is completely serious. He honestly thinks what he's talking about has meaning, and it's sad. 'I would cut my legs and tits, when I think of Boris karloff and Kinski.' What? Seriously, a five year old could make better music than this, and probably have, on multiple occasions.
My recommendation for this album is to listen to it on Youtube, and laugh for the people who actually spent money on this. When I heard another Metallica album was out, after Death Magnetic's step in the right direction, I was pretty excited for their next album. Technically, this isn't a studio album, but a collab. Either way, it's pure horrible. On a side note, Lou Reed wants a Lulu 2- that is scary.

(1 out of 10)